Do you ever wonder where those moments are? Where they go and when they will come back. The kinds of moments that are so rare they are fabled to us even in our own lives. I’m talking about realization, “a moment of clarity,” profound thought that some how finally allows you to see your life in a way that you can’t most of the time. Its almost like an objectivity, except the person being objective is you, and you’ve been there, you know.
This Sunday morning, I’ve had one of those. Its been a while. Thanks to a drug nonetheless, which doesn’t mean it was less real or not. It cleared my head, there was no high, not exactly.
But I’ve been foolish. That’s all, foolish. I’ve been a foolish boy. And I owe it to myself and the people I love to be less foolish. I owe it to them. I owe it to me. Seems crazy but there’s more to loving yourself than “loving yourself.” At some level maybe you need to picture yourself as someone else, and think about their great qualities and their faults, endear yourself to them, and then protect them, guide them. If only it were so simple.
So many variables in that equation, in the equation that is every person.
For me its been addiction, weed, alcohol, other things. Sweet addition, and an addiction to fear or failure or the lot of it. And in my life a struggle somewhere in between to be happy, to not be unappreciative, and a tireless confusion, coupled with the melancholy that comes with the desire to be/do better. And always coupled with desire to be worse, in an instant, for just one night, or for that weekend, or for that month to let all tension go. A desire to never look at yourself in the mirror because you know you can never blame yourself for trying.
The self is a jungle, for some of us the weeds are deep and complicated. The grass is higher for some than for others. But this psychological model of turning faults into genetics or a shameless destiny is faulted. I’ve been acknowledging my faults too much, placing too much emphasis on them, making them too important. Allowing the version of myself, that I think about, the one that I have created to include all those stubborn qualities. Out of politeness to focus on them.
But its not only that I haven’t thought about them enough or faced them. We face our limitations out there often. But with enough luck and experience, someone can put the pan aside, when they decide its time to stop burning themselves.
I want to be a little less foolish. And maybe a little less foolish after that.